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A Time to Heal Adult version

A Time to Heal - Part 1:

Thursday: Just A Dream Away

On Thursday evening, Jack caught a cab to the diner and by the time he had settled into a booth he was beginning to feel like an excited teenager on his first date. It was ridiculous really, all they were going to do was have a cup of coffee together and talk. For a start he planned to apologise for his behaviour almost two weeks before, for causing Sara worry, not to mention her being woken up by the police in the middle of the night because of him.

When Sara arrived, dead on time, she looked as beautiful to Jack as the day they had met. She was dressed simply in washed out blue jeans and brown leather ankle boots, a white t-shirt, with a pale lemon sweater over the top, left loose and unbuttoned. She took one look at him and smiled so brightly he felt his heart ache despite everything he had promised to himself beforehand. All his resolve seemed to crumble in the face of her attention.

"Jack, you look great!" Sara exclaimed when he stood up to greet her, practically examining him from head to toe. "You look so much better than when I last saw you," she emphasised, "And you've had the cast off your hand!" Jack waggled his fingers a fraction to demonstrate the returning movement. "That's wonderful!" she declared happily, sitting down in the booth and watching him retake his seat opposite her.

Jack carefully avoided bashing his ribs against the edge of the table, whilst trying to make sure that Sara didn't notice he was favouring that side.

"A few leftover bruises I see, and you still need to gain some weight, but you've lost that haunted look," she added almost shyly, gazing into his brown eyes.

"Well, I aim to please," Jack quipped lightly, somewhat overwhelmed by her reaction to seeing him again. "Sara, look," he paused, searching for words that would reflect his sincerity, "I wanted to apologise for what I put you through the other weekend."

"Jack, you don't have to apologise for anything," Sara said softly, laying her fingers over the strapping on his right hand and patting it gently.

Jack held her gaze, covering her hand with his left, entwining his fingers with hers, soaking up the moment while it lasted and storing every detail into memory.

"So, do you want coffee?" he asked eventually.

~~~~~~~~~~

"Mineral water! Since when?" Sara exclaimed softly after the waitress had left their table, gazing at him with such a look of wide eyed wonder it stopped Jack in his tracks, forcing him to swallow the dishonest excuse he had been about to give her, the one where he blamed Daniel for badgering him into kicking the caffeine habit.

Instead Jack shrugged, knowing he couldn't lie to her and didn't have to. "I haven't drunk coffee for about seven weeks," he admitted a little sheepishly.

Sara looked at him closely, concern in her eyes. "Was that before.......?" she trailed off, knowing the answer from the uncomfortable squirming of his shoulders.

Jack nodded, breaking eye contact to stare out the window into the darkened street beyond the diner. "Daniel thinks it's the one good thing that came out of it!" he said eventually, trying to smile at the thought.

"How are things with you and Daniel?"

"Okay, actually," Jack said, brightening up, "We had a long talk Tuesday night. Things are pretty much back to normal there I think."

"He seems a good person, a little too serious maybe." Sara smiled, recalling her encounter with the earnest man, "He certainly cares about you, but I kind of got the impression the feeling is mutual......"

Jack nodded thoughtfully, "Can't fault the guy that saves my life, can I?"

"Well I'm glad you got things sorted between you, he seemed so guilty about it all, like he blamed himself for whatever had happened." She watched him closely, testing for his reaction, wanting to see how well he was really handling things.

"Yeah, there's been a lot of that going around lately," Jack said quietly, glancing away from her again, "But I think we pretty much dealt with it all the other night."

Sara took another look at his face, the dark shadows beneath his soft brown eyes, detecting the weariness there which she hadn't spotted before. "Must have been a long night. No wonder you look tired."

Before Jack had to answer the waitress came back with their drinks. "Do you want anything to eat?" he asked quickly.

Sara thought for a moment. "Yes, wouldn't mind actually. I have to go into work later, I could do with something beforehand." She turned to the waitress, "I'll just have a cheeseburger please."

Both women glanced at Jack, waiting for him to add his order. He didn't really want anything, but he knew he would have to, or face a new onslaught of questions. "Tuna on plain rye, please," he finally decided reluctantly.

The waitress had written down the order and left before Jack acknowledged Sara's look of astonishment somewhat sheepishly. "Can't face fried food anymore," he shrugged, as though it was the most natural thing in the world for him not to order his normal half a cow in some greasy form or other. "Actually, I'm not doing very well with any meat at the moment," he added feebly, wondering why he seemed incapable of coming up with any good excuses in the face of her penetrating blue eyed gaze.

"What have you been eating lately?" Sara asked gently, beginning to understand why he didn't appear to have gained much of the lost weight back on since she last saw him almost two weeks earlier.

"The doctor's got me on protein shakes and iron supplements. Believe me, once you've had a few of those each day you really don't want to eat normal food!" Jack said, as if that was an answer to her question. Sara just continued to stare at him until he gave in and told her the rest. "Okay, not a whole lot else really, except plenty of milk, apparently I need the calcium," he attempted a smile. "I just don't seem to have any appetite lately, no matter how much fresh air and exercise I get, I just don't get hungry," he eventually admitted.

"Jack you've got to start eating properly again or you'll never get yourself back on track," Sara said worriedly. She knew she had no right to quiz him like this, but she was unable to suppress her concern, "What does the doctor say about it?"

"I think she's relieved that I've stopped drinking coffee and eating fried food!" Jack tried to lighten the conversation with a grin, finding the grilling getting way too uncomfortable. "Actually, I had a bruised kidney and apparently it makes life a bit easier on it if I'm not eating that sort of stuff," he said honestly, wondering again why he was telling her all this, why he seemed unable to stop himself in the face of her attention. "Although, when it's all sorted, Janet's threatened to take me out for steak and force feed me if necessary!" he quipped.

"Janet?" Sara asked curiously, feeling an odd pang of jealousy at the way he was talking about this other woman.

"Oh, Doctor Fraiser, she's one of the physicians at the base," Jack explained, "She's a really good friend, I think you'd like her. She's saved my life about as many times as Daniel has lately," he added softly, still amazed by what the doctor had done for him recently, especially the fact that she had joined forces with Daniel to rescue him from that hellhole in Giza.

Jack knew he would never be able to repay Janet, all he could really do was try his best to not cause her any further grief. That meant avoiding any more unscheduled visits to the infirmary and swallowing all the protein drinks and supplements she had ordered him to take each day, no matter how bad they tasted.

"And Daniel's been taking me into the drive-thru every time he gives me a lift home now, I think he's trying to tempt me to eat a Big Mac! But the diversion's not such a bad deal, because their banana milkshakes are to die for!" That last comment finally got Sara smiling again, much to Jack's relief, and he quickly searched for a way to deflect the conversation completely while she was distracted, "So you said you have to go into work later?"

"Yeah, all the guys are out on a stag do tonight, so I promised I'd cover for them. I have to go straight from here," Sara said, leaning back from the table as the waitress placed their food in front of them with a friendly smile and the standard enquiry for whether they needed anything else. She received the usual "Thanks" and "No thanks" answers for her troubles, told them she hoped they enjoyed their meal as if she meant it, and went back behind the counter.

Sara tucked into her cheeseburger with relish, whilst Jack slowly chewed a single bite from his sandwich before continuing the conversation smartly to cover his lack of appetite, "You know it's never ceased to amaze me how you manage to keep up with these odd hours. When did you sleep today?"

"I had a couple of hours after I got home this afternoon, then I'm off from tomorrow until next Tuesday, so I can sleep in the morning for as long as I like." She smiled lazily at that delicious thought, then an earlier incomplete thread of conversation came to mind, "So how are you sleeping now?"

Jack stopped short, his mouth around his sandwich, wondering how he'd managed to choose a topic that backfired onto him that badly. He looked at his food sourly and placed it back onto the plate, then he brushed the crumbs from his hand onto his jeans and stared out the window for a moment, trying to figure out what the real answer was to that question.

"Better actually, you know......," he trailed off, remembering waking up in the middle of the previous night and giving up on his bed, instead wandering out onto the deck wrapped warmly in a blanket to sleep out under the stars. That had worked, for awhile at least. He reckoned he had probably slept soundly for a couple of hours longer than normal. It didn't go very far to catching up on all those lost nights, but it was a start.

"Yeah, it's definitely getting easier," Jack assured her more positively. He was certainly no longer as afraid to close his eyes and several times he had not actually been woken by the nightmares. It was about fifty-fifty at present between waking with a gasp, his heart racing in terror and the wispy images of violence slowly drifting out of reach, or being woken by the pain of accidentally rolling over onto his broken ribs.

He had stopped taking the painkillers Doctor Fraiser had prescribed, they just left him feeling too fuzzy headed and out of control for his liking. Besides, he was still getting way more exercise, climbing up and down those stairs at the base, than Janet knew about and he really didn't want to overexert himself. How would he know he was pushing his luck too far if he couldn't actually feel any pain he was causing?

But things were improving, of that he was sure, last night when he had gone out to sleep under the stars he had not woken again until the dawn chorus had become persistently loud in his ears and the rising sun had shone directly into his eyes. Jack smiled, relaxing slightly at that encouraging thought.

Glancing across to Sara, he noticed she was watching him intently, almost finished with her burger. With renewed effort, he picked up his sandwich and took another bite, forcing himself to chew and swallow, in between sips of mineral water, until he had eaten one of the two halves.

"Finish it all and I'll buy you a banana milkshake on your way home!" Sara laughed at his attempts, "That is assuming you want a lift?"

"I was going to catch a cab," Jack explained, "You really don't have to go out of your way."

"Come on, Jack, you know your place is practically on my way to work," Sara pointed out gently, "It's no trouble at all." Besides, she wouldn't admit it, but she had a feeling he would walk home otherwise and there was something about the idea of him wandering through the dark streets alone that scared her at the moment, something she couldn't quite put her finger on.

When they were both finished, Jack settled the bill and dutifully followed Sara out to her vehicle, parked a little way down the road. The black and chrome paint work of the hood was lit up beneath the glow of a bright orange street lamp.

Standing on the opposite side of her Jeep, Jack watched Sara push her unbuttoned sweater out of the way at her waist to delve her hand into her jeans pocket and extract the car keys. He found himself unable to take his eyes off her. Sara's figure hugging t-shirt and jeans highlighted every curve of her body in a way that provoked all sorts of forbidden thoughts in his head. Ideas that he knew he shouldn't even be having. Impossible fantasies that tugged at his heart, not to mention other parts of his anatomy, and left him reeling under a weight of lost opportunity that was more than he could bear right now.

"You know, I really don't mind catching a cab," Jack offered feebly, wondering if there was any way out of being forced to sit next to that body, so close and yet so out of reach in the confines of Sara's soft top Wrangler Jeep, a vehicle he had never realised looked so sexy until now. He glanced away, avoiding her gaze, certain that all his lascivious thoughts were written right across his face for all to see.

Jack stared around, searching for some way to focus his mind on something other than the idea of running his hands over her body, feeling her silky skin against his own. His eyes fell on the sight of the shop window she had parked in front of, a take out delicatessen, offering a long list of 'delicious' lunch snacks including pastrami on rye, burgers, steak sandwiches......Oh yeah, Jack thought to himself sourly, that'll do it!

"You know I won't bite," Sara laughed softly as she noticed his obvious reluctance to climb into the vehicle. "And my driving isn't nearly as bad as you think!" He turned back to look at her with that sheepish expression that made her heart skip a beat every time he used it.

She smiled to herself, wondering if he had any idea what he was doing to her tonight, positive that he didn't have a clue. The self-deprecating way he'd been acting told her he probably hadn't even contemplated the sight of his own reflection in at least seven weeks.

How could he possibly know the effect he was having on probably any red-blooded female that passed anywhere near him, and especially the effect he was having on one who had shared his life for all that time, what seemed so long ago now. One who remembered the taste of his lips, the feel of his warm skin against hers, his strong arms around her, the laughter in his voice and the love in his eyes. Someone who could only dream of ever having such a relationship again, when all she really wanted was to be with him.

Sara swallowed, her smile wavering under the impact of the loss she felt whenever she looked at him, seeing something she would never have again, struggling to suppress vivid memories that were being sparked by the way he looked tonight. The way his black jeans were belted at the waist a few extra notches than normal because of the lost weight, highlighting the shape of hips that she ached to hold in the depths of passion, long legs that she wanted to entangle with her own.

She yearned to free his right hand from the strapping that was protecting it, to feel his long slim fingers touching her skin, trailing fire over her entire body. She craved to pull his black t-shirt from his jeans, to raise it up and expose his chest to her soft kisses, to wrap her arms around his naked body, to feel the strong muscles of his back beneath her fingertips and to intertwine herself with him until she could no longer tell where her body ended and his began.

Their eyes met over the roof of her Jeep and, for a moment, Sara could almost imagine that he was thinking exactly the same thing as her. Then he broke contact, as if the intensity of their gaze made him uncomfortable.

With an inward sigh, Sara opened the car door and climbed into the driver's seat, jamming the keys into the ignition with a slightly trembling hand.

She started the engine and put the vehicle into gear as Jack finally settled into the passenger side. Putting his seatbelt on, he tightly gripped the strap with his left hand, hoping Sara wouldn't notice the way he was holding the belt away from his ribs, but glad of something to do with a hand that really just wanted to wander all over her body and explore every intimate part.

As the Jeep pulled away from the sidewalk, Jack stared out the window, concentrating on the sight of darkened buildings as they passed, trying to ignore the ache in his heart that now matched the one in his ribcage.

~~~~~~~~~~

When Sara dropped him off outside his home, Jack could think of nothing more to say except "Goodbye". There were no words to express how much he wanted to see her again, how he wished they could just pick up their lives as if nothing bad had ever happened to them. And even if he could find a way to say it, he knew he never would. It would be unfair of him to even attempt to put Sara into such an awkward position. She had a life of her own now, she didn't want to get involved with him again, why would she?

So Jack simply thanked her and said goodbye. He told her to take care and then closed the door of the Jeep behind him, turning towards the house before Sara could see the look of misery in his eyes that he could no longer hide.

Jack fished in his pocket for his door key, trying to find some way to explain to himself just why he still felt so strongly for her after three years apart. He heard her vehicle drive away behind him and his heart sank at the fading sound, knowing that it heralded the final closure of that part of his life. It signalled the end to any hope he had retained after arriving home from that first mission to Abydos, with an improved outlook on life, only to find Sara packed and gone. Jack shook his head in frustration and jammed his key into the lock to enter his empty house.

Once inside, he grabbed a glass of iced water from the kitchen, opened the sliding doors in the den to let in some fresh air on the cool late evening breeze, and gingerly sank down onto the sofa. Unzipping his black leather boots, he kicked them off, put a cushion behind his head and laid back tiredly, lifting his feet up onto the arm at the opposite end. He rubbed his face with his hand, a heavy sigh escaping his lips, and closed his eyes for a moment, too exhausted and emotionally drained to even try and stop himself from drifting off into a fitful doze.

If conscious thought had been available to him, even Jack would have been surprised by the speed in which he reached a dream state. His body curled up protectively in response, lying on his right side, knees drawn up to his chest, and arms wrapped tightly around him. Horrified words escaped his lips, his haunted features contorting with emotion.

"Sara!" Jack murmured again, his left hand clenching into a tight fist, his whole body taut. In his mind's eye he watched helplessly as the tragic events unfolded before him.

He saw his wife and their son Charlie, held captive by Apophis to be used as hosts. The resurgence of a drug induced hallucination, previously buried deep amidst memories of appalling torture, now pushed to the surface. The traumatic vision provoked by renewed loss, the psychological impact of Sara leaving him again, driving away, out of his life for good, in a manner which Jack had felt powerless to prevent. A painful reality that now prompted a resumption of that nightmare image, forcing him to relive the torment of one dreadful grief filled moment.

"Charlie!" Jack cried out in desperate horror. He was trapped, unable to do anything but watch as a mature Goa'uld larva crawled over his son's shoulder, preparing to pierce the back of the neck.

The young boy's terror stricken paralysis was abruptly broken and he stared at his father accusingly. "I hate you! I hate you!" he shouted ferociously, "Look what you've done to us! This is all your fault!" His hysterical voice became an agonised shriek as the larva burrowed deep, puncturing the skin between his shoulder blades to wriggle inside the body. It wrapped around the spine to take control, unconcerned by the pain inflicted upon the child host.

With frightening finality, Charlie's eyes glowed luminously as he succumbed to the power of the new evil within him. The innocent young boy was gone.

"No!" Jack's hoarse whisper was filled with despair, the intensity of emotion increasing unbearably as Sara was forced to endure the same fate as their son.

She held his gaze bravely, resolute, unwilling to show her fear as she was taken over by the Goa'uld. Her slim fingers dug into her palms, her mouth clamped firmly shut, determined not to cry out. A single sorrowful tear escaped down Sara's cheek, her face creasing with pain as the larva penetrated the back of her neck, violating her body with its abhorrent presence.

Her once sparkling blue eyes at first went dead and then lit up in a chilling white blaze that turned Jack's heart to stone. Sara's mind and body were all too rapidly conquered by the Goa'uld inside her, a loving smile dying on her lips to be replaced by a blank unrecognising stare. Her spirit, her whole life, overpowered by something beyond her control.

Tossing and turning in his sleep, Jack screamed his wife's name out loud, a blood curdling cry filled with anguish. His body shifted heedlessly on the sofa until one of the loose cushions jammed between the back of the couch and his side, suddenly pressing hard into his healing ribs.

Jack awoke with a yelp of pain that became a gasp of agony as he sat up too abruptly, fighting to escape the unearthly images of an horrific scene floating vividly before his terrified gaze. The sudden movement left him reeling against the resulting effect on his ribcage.

Holding his arm against his side for support, Jack slid his feet to the floor, his chest heaving as he struggled to refill his lungs. With a strangled sob, he buried his head in his hands, wiping dampness from his face with fingers that shook. Trembling with shock, Jack concentrated on trying to get his breathing under control, the ache in his ribs helping to focus beyond a fear so strong that he could taste it, so intense that his heart was thudding painfully hard.

Desperate to break free from the crushing weight of a nightmare that threatened to smother him, Jack stood up and moved out through the sliding doors to sit on the steps leading down into the backyard from the deck. He shuddered at the sudden drop in temperature, lifting his gaze to stare up at the stars. Jack let the night sky fill his view, trying to suppress all cognisant thought as he was hit by a wave of grief for the loss of his family.

Eventually he could fight it no more. Utterly defeated by an unrelenting onslaught of images, Jack returned inside, heading for the kitchen. His resolve destroyed, incapable of stopping himself, he opened cupboards and the refrigerator, hunting for something specific that in the back of his mind he could only pray he would not find.

Despondently, Jack stood in the centre of the room, lost and alone. He had an undying urge to head for the nearest liquor store, now that he knew there definitely was no alcohol in the house. He guessed that Daniel had seen to that, presumably some time during that weekend, a little under two weeks before, when he had taken on the ghastly task of drying out his commanding officer.

Jack glanced around in despair, seeking some other method to escape the emotions that threatened to overpower him. He stepped across to the sink and ran the water until it was icy cold, scooping his left hand beneath the tap to splash his face and neck repeatedly until he could at least feign some semblance of control. Shivering, he grabbed a towel and patted his face dry, hanging it around his neck to soak up the water on the now damp t-shirt clinging to his shoulders.

For a long time, Jack stood leaning against the sink, staring out into the dark night, gazing unfocused past his own reflection to see only the blackness beyond. Finally, he shook himself and turned away from the window, heading out of the room and down the hall, driven by instinct alone.

Reaching for the telephone with a hand that still shook slightly, he dialled a number from memory without allowing himself to think about what he was really doing.

When the female voice answered, Jack tensed, his mind racing, wondering what the hell he was planning to say. As the recorded message kicked in, his first inclination was to hang up, but his dulled reactions simply weren't fast enough for Sara's few brief but cheery words, the beep had sounded before he even managed to express his irritation.

"Damn," he muttered, forgetting the tape would pick up every word, not knowing what to do and feeling foolish for the sound of silence. Jack hesitated. "Guess you're at work," he said feebly wondering what time it was. He knew it was dark outside, so of course Sara was still working, she had told him herself she would not be finished until morning. "Sorry, um........never mind."

Jack replaced the handset, feeling like an idiot and hoping that maybe the tape had cut off during his long pause, perhaps fooled by the period of silence into thinking he had finished his message already. He scrubbed his hand through his hair, totally lost and downhearted. Eventually, he grabbed a blanket off the end of a nearby armchair and headed back outside to try and sleep on the wooden lounger on the deck, praying that this time it would not end quite so horrifically.

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